i used to be pretty happy with the “i lied” and “i’m proud of us” lines because they could be easily explained in the context of the situation, the characterisation, and the story. but now that we know that they weren’t the original lines, but were added/modified by the actors who have demonstrated they believe in the opposite of what the whole season was trying to push forward—

idk man. i feel so queasy.


Fic: Penumbra, part one

This fic was born directly out of this discussion: Wesley and co. seem to remember everything that happened in s3/s4 save for Connor himself. What kind of narrative would Cyvus Vail have implanted in their heads to explain everything that happened to them without Connor? This story attempts to answer that.

I did want to keep this story short, but I have a lot to cover, so it’ll be posted in two, maybe three parts.

Warnings: SPOILERS for Angel late s3 and s4. Some swearing, violence.

(for mossomness)


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what do you call a dictionary on drugs

If you say addictionary I swear to fucking god I will cut you

I was gonna say ‘high definition’ but yours is better

(via monicawoe)


(Source: fircyca, via fircyca)


Angel: where all the girls are skinny and wear tight midriff baring leather.


insideshewantsrevenge said: 59 - Sam and Dean - gen.

Sam and Dean – 59 – Hysterical


(set in an s10 au. Warning: this is a deeply unhappy little ficlet. also: bodily fluids. slightly graphic.)


Different dungeon, different monster, the same Sam Winchester meltdown.

Sam’s sitting slumped against the wall, shivering, wedging his shaking hands between his knees. He has that look on his face that says that he’s either going to vomit or is desperate to take a crap or maybe both, and frankly? Dean’s kinda proud that he’s got his brother—his fiercely independent, demonic-destiny brother—scared enough to spew from both ends.

(is this what sam really looks like? when he’s chasing down whatever the hell he wants to while leaving dean in the dust? is this what dean was so afraid of losing?)

Dean begins walking a languid circle before he raises his fist without warning and squeezes. Sam jerks, gives a pathetic little choked sound, before he really does vomit down the front of his shirt. It’s thin and watery and blood-tinged. His eyes are rolling and he’s shaking harder than ever, and Dean—well, Dean’s had enough.

“I’m not going to kill you, Sam,” he says, but Sam’s gaze still unfocussed and he’s breathing too fast. “Sam!” he barks. “Sam—look at me. I’m not going to kill you. I’m going to let you go. But just remember—this is what you let me be.”

Sam does look at him at that. He licks weakly at vomit-crusted lips and says, “Dean, please. This is—this is what you want. I think. I know. I think I know but I’m never sure, but it’s done, and why do I always do thing before I’m sure—” He’s breathing too fast for the words to make sense anymore, and there are tears running down his face now, pooling with his sweat in the hollows of his cheeks.

“Sam, what are you—” Dean’s eyes widen. No. No. “Sam, what did you do? What did you do?”

“Only what you want me to do,” Sam says, and the words are soundless wheezes, but they hit Dean like rocks.

“SAM!” He lurches forward and grabs the front of Sam’s shirt, heedless of the mess, and shakes him. “What the hell did you do?” he screams. “You weren’t supposed to—this is not what I wanted, Sam! Not this!”

He only has a moment to take in the confusion on Sam’s face, the devastation, before he feels a gust of air at his back, and there’s a terrible light throwing shadows on the walls.

“It’s here,” Sam breathes.  


denugis said: 12 Sam/Cas or Sam n Cas? Sorry about the stress!

Sam/Castiel – 12 – Awed


(set after 8.21: The Great Escapist)


“Dean, if that’s really a hodag—and that’s a big if—you’re going to have to take iron rounds and, uh. Explosives. Lots of ‘em.”

Sam’s sitting cross-legged on the floor of the Bunker’s library, surrounded by plain wooden blocks that he’s arranging in an alternating pattern to form a rudimentary tower. Castiel’s sprawled next to him, back against the table, watching, fascinated, as Sam’s deft fingers arrange block after block.

“I know you’re a pyromaniac, Dean, but—” Sam stops for a second as a shudder passes through him. He takes the phone away from his ear and bends over, one hand clutching, white-knuckled, at his knee. Castiel’s hands hover uncertainly over his back, while Dean’s tinny, “Sam! Sam, you there? Goddamn fucking phone—” reverberates impotently.

(a different time. a different plane. castiel is so weak, but sam is weaker, hunched over, broken and re-broken ad infinitum. there’s so much hope when he looks at castiel, but castiel never did handle hope as well as he did tragedy.)

Sam finally resurfaces. He’s bitten his lip bloody, but he’s smiling. There’s blood smeared over his front teeth and old stains on his collar, but he smiles, bright and blinding, and says into the phone, “Sorry about that. Think I lost the signal for a second. Dean, you gotta really know what it is before you start lighting sticks of dynamite; this isn’t a Looney Tunes cartoon.”

Castiel watches as Sam resumes building the tower with the other hand, deft and quick, except for the tiny tremors through his fingers. He laughs into the phone. “Yeah, I know that thing looks like a cartoon, but trust me—”

(trust me, sam, he’d said, and torn sam asunder.)

Now Sam’s run out of blocks: he starts removing them from the base of the tower to add to the top without missing a beat. “Yeah, yeah. What? No—frog, not dog. I—Yes, Dean, I’m aware the ass is very weird, but—”

(and yet—)

The tower finally begins to wobble precariously. Sam resolutely reaches for another block near the base, and startles as Castiel reaches out to stop him.

(sam found hope in that tragedy anyway. sam does that.)

“Cas, what are you—”

“I will learn from you, Sam,” Castiel tells him.

The phone lies forgotten in Sam’s hand as he laughs. “To what, play Jenga?”

“Something like that,” Castiel says, smiling, and shifts his grip to still Sam’s trembling fingers in his.

Sam smiles back.


mossomness said: I would totally read that fic if you wrote it! And I like what you said about Wes being different in his different stages. It's so true.

i really want to write it but it may take some time? i need to think it out.

thanks! Angel has its characters go through such major changes, both mind and body, and they have all kinds of interesting repercussions, both subtle and, well. other-worldly demonic mind-controlling spawn, is all i’m sayin’.


The Connor memory change and Fred/Wes



I mean erasing Connor from their lives does so much. 
Wes never kidnaps him. He never goes off on his own and starts banging Lilah. He doesn’t live with that guilt. 

Do you remember how Fred reacted when she found out about Lilah. I don’t see how Wes and Lilah would have happened without the Connor kidnapping thing. And I just….

Would Fred and Wes even have gotten together if Angel didn’t erase Connor from their minds. 

My ship can’t be dependent on fake memories. It can’t.  I need it to be real. 

In ‘Harm’s Way’ Fred tells Harmony that there is a lot of baggage between her and Wesley, and that’s why they’re not together. If Wesley had never dated Lilah, or had never been separate from the group, what would that have been?
In ‘Lineage’ Wesley mentions how he had been with Lilah and that he had to cut her head off with an axe. So they do have memories that he’d dated Lilah.
My opinion on this is that their memories are pretty much the same except that there is a hole where Connor should be. This doesn’t affect season 4 very much. You can explain most events without him. The difficult part to explain is why Wesley was alienated from the group. I have two theories. Either A.) If they try to think about that time and why he was estranged, the spell makes them forget what they are thinking about, and move on. Or B.) Cyvus came up with a different reason for why he was separated. The only one I can really come up with is that Holtz gave Wesley the option of telling him where Darla was hiding, or he would kill the whole gang, so he gave up Darla. Angel was so angry that Wes had to leave. Granted, I don’t think Wesley would ever do that, but I think Cyvus could implant those memories.
All that is to say, I don’t think Wes and Fred got together just because of the mind wipe. Sorry for the ramble, I have thought about this a lot.

Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this a lot, too. Wesley clearly remembers sleeping with Lilah (as you point out, from his conversation with his “father” in Lineage), and in 5.15, Gunn goes, “last year, you wouldn’t have asked me that question,” which means that they remember all the nastiness and tension that had festered between them.

I do think option (A) is very plausible, although Cyvus Vail comes across as someone who revels in detail—he certainly enjoyed telling that little-Connor-lost-in-a-supermarket story to Angel. It can be argued that Wesley was careening towards estrangement from the group anyway, Connor or no Connor. He was the guy “making the tough decisions”, drifting from the idealism of the rest of the group and realising the real price of their actions. He was also drifting away from them in another sense—Cordelia by s3 was so consumed by Angel and later the Groosalugg that her dynamic with Wesley was never the same. Angel, as always, was lost in his own issues and his feelings for Cordelia. Fred and Gunn became a couple, much to Wesley’s chagrin and resentment. It was probably just a matter of time before he made a decision that put him completely at odds with the rest of AI. It would be interesting to see what Cyvus cooked up. oh god i want to try to write it

About Fred/Wes—it’s interesting, right? Even if the exact reasons for the baggage between them is different, it’s still there. And clearly her attraction for Wes in s5 had to be built up again—the s4 Wes she (possibly) loved and the s5 Wes she loved were two subtly different men. And the Wes she loved as Illyria was different, too. It’s all very fascinating.

khalifaadil replied to your post“i hope you are following ishant sharma’s tremendous once in a life time performance that will discussed for ages to come.”
the only problem with our cricketers is that they become complacent once they win a match or two and they start taking things for granted until there’s pressure from our media.

I think that that’s an unfair thing to say.

I was just reading this interview with Ishant Sharma. He talks about how this very performance—with all its passion, ingenuity, vigour—would’ve been ignored or ridiculed had he not got those seven wickets. On the surface, this seems rather obvious, but I do think it reflects a very important understanding of the circus that surrounds cricket in our country. I see Dhoni in those words. Media reaction is so fickle—they put you on a pedestal one minute and drag you through the mud the next—that it’s not worth attaching any importance to them. I should hope that our cricketers are more mature than to take seriously the likes of Arnab Goswami or the odious Boria Majumdar.

'Professional cricketer' is a bit of an oxymoron. There are so many hundreds of variables in a cricket match; what you might've invested is in no way guaranteed to be what you get in return. You may be a tremendous athlete; you may have trained forever in the nets, and still some lucky asshole will top-edge one into the stands, and you could get out obstructing the field. At the end of it all, at the international level, it is safe to assume that you’ve worked hard and were luckier than most to get where you are. Complacency is hard to come by in that environment. I’m not saying cricketers can’t get complacent, but I also think that the era where we put so much store in ~legends that we simply could not drop no matter what happened is gone. We’ve started paying our selectors. At long last, we’re making the support structures around our cricketers professional.

Ishant seemed at ease talking about his previous experiences at Lord’s, and how that helped him to not panic here, and to help his junior colleagues to do the same. I was just wondering if playing more matches in pitches that aid his type of bowling—like playing in county matches—would give him more confidence; so much so that Dhoni need not have to dictate his bowling strategies anymore—they would become intuitive. A county stint certainly helped a faltering Zaheer Khan.